Dear Mauro,
How are ya dear cousin? How is heaven treating you? It better be good, you deserve nothing bust the best. Have I told you lately that I miss you? Stupid question huh? I have a whole shoebox here of letters to you, your never going to get them but I just like writing to you. It still hurts Mauro, I still have dreams of the crash and how I would do anything to go back and change it all. If I hadnt wanted to go to water world so bad you would still be here, we would still be living peacefully and I wouldn't have EVER got involved with Dan and maybe he would still be alive. How I wish I could take back that day. I wish it everyday Mauro, everyday.

I'm still having the dreams. I see the crash in slow motion, every moment of it. It hurts. Why didn't I die too Mauro? Wouldn't that have been so much easier? The dreams have me up at night and I am sweating and scared and I see your face everywhere, but not close enough to touch. Why don't you visit me anymore? I miss your presence. It used to comfort me. I know I haven't visited the cemetery in a long time but I think about you everyday, you know that.

You know what scares me most Mau? The fact that you are so like Ike. Not that that's bad it just scares me. What if I kill him too? He cares about me the same way you did, he also understands and doesn't question me and my past. Its like having you here. What if I kill him too? The crash left me without a scratch Mau, who says it wont happen again, history is know for repeating its self. I love him so much I am scared to love any more. It could kill him. Oh I hate this. It's all too much for me. Too much.

If you were here we would sit down, and have a nice chat about it all and you would tell me the answer and then I wouldn't think about it again. It was so easy then. I do try to be positive you know Mau but sometimes things are going so well I almost wait for it to fall apart, I'm doing it now.Waiting for the world to crash down. It will. It always does. Wonder who I'll hurt this time? I hate myself Mau, I bring trouble to the people I love most. My support system is going to change this year, Ike, Tay and Zac are off to promote again, I'll hardly see them. Keryn is going to stay here in Tulsa. It'll just be Charlie and I. And I hardly know Charlie. Geez will I be able to go at this alone? It'll be the first time ever? I probably need to gain some emotional independence. But it'll be so hard.

Well Mau I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. Ignore all of this. I'll still be alive by the end of any drama, battered-yes, broken-maybe but still alive. My last 6 months at school and I remember what you told me about my work and I am trying. I promise I will do it, I will make it. And I owe it all to you, if you hadnt inspired me and made me believe that school and work isn't useless I would still be a nothing, heading towards a career of nothing. I don't want to be nothing Mauro, I want to protect people from other people. Isnt that awful? But someone has too and I think that I know a lot about pain. A lot.

Well Mauro happy 2000, you missed a fantastic party, but I known you were here,
I miss you,
I love you,
Kayla
XOXOXOX


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