Journal,

So, have I been completely stupid or am I just releasing feelings like any normal teenage boy? I could’ve sworn that coming back here when she wasn’t here would be step one in solving my problems. I would find a brand new girlfriend, we would laugh, we would have serious talks and eventually we would get married, start a family. Are my expectations too high? Or did I just basically do it all the wrong way to begin with?

For the past few weeks I’ve just been pondering the reason why I even thought of starting a relationship with Kayla to begin with. Isaac and Kayla. It used to sound to lyrical to me. Our names fit so well. But now, they fit about as much as an elephant fits on a sea plane.

I don’t know. Like I told Taylor, my main goal was to come back to Tulsa this week and start a new relationship. Perhaps my whole ultimate goal was a little too large to fit into just a few days? What was I thinking? These incredibly large goals and dreams have all backfired into me making the biggest fool of myself ever.

Okay, it all started with Zac, actually. No, it wasn’t his fault. It was just one of those chance things. It was a complete coincidence that I took unnecessarily seriously.

“Ike, we’re going back to visit Jess, Ave and Mom. I think Mack and Zo will be in bed, though. Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Zac said as he popped his head into the bedroom door, the warm hallway light shining from behind him into my black room.

“No, I’m just going to go to bed.” I kind of just stood in the middle of the room. Not moving. It was one of those things where I just didn’t know if I was depressed, confused, content, hyper or what. So, I just stood in the darkness, waiting for something to happen.

“Ike,” I could feel Zac approaching me. His hand reached out and touched my shoulder, firmly. “Are you okay? I’m sorry about the plane ride. Everything was a little intense.”

I turned to face my brother. “No, it’s not that, Zac. I’m just moody. I don’t think I have the strength to face anyone at the moment.” Much like I’m feeling right now.

“Well, if you change your mind, we’ll be at the house for about two hours, then I’m coming back here. Okay?”

I nodded and smiled at him. I felt some comfort to know that at least someone cared about it. I don’t know... I thought someone might’ve cared... maybe they don’t. Maybe I’m just completely overanalysing the whole situation. Taylor’s sick of hearing about it. The way he just brushed over it on the plane when I told him about my new girlfriend plan. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

“Hang on, Ike, what’s this?” Zac had said, just before he left the room. He walked over to the small box I’d kept on my dresser since I was eleven for random lyric ideas. There was a bulky folded piece of paper on top.

“It’s nothing.” I actually had no idea what it was.

“Okay then, Isaac,” I heard Zac sighing under his breath. “See-you.”

Without a goodbye, I floated over to the box and unfolded the crumpled paper and began to read.

Isaac - I’m so happy we got together. You don’t know how good it is after all this time to be able to think nothing but happy thoughts. After everything that’s happened. I’m just so happy now and the bond that we share has done that for me. I want to thank you so much. I want to wake you now, but you’re sleeping. So, I’m just writing this letter and I’m going to put it on your dresser so you can find it later on. I hope it makes you smile. I feel like an idiot. I’m smiling at the pen and the paper I’m writing on because I feel so happy. You’re stirring. I’m going to fold this now. - Kayla

“Good God,” I scrunched the paper until it molded to the shape of my palm. “I can’t believe I never found this earlier. It has to be months old,” I can remember myself saying last night. Right now, I can’t even remember what I did with the letter. I just ran. I ran down the hall, I ran down the stairs, I ran out into the garden and straight into the car I’d barely started once in the last six months.

I still cannot even begin to come to the conclusion as to why I ended up where I was. If I tell you, neither will you. Not at all. I’m crazy. Completely, utterly and crazily crazy!

It was as if I’d reverted to my childhood. As I rode in my car, I saw myself sitting on a bicycle, hurtling down the long, winding road to get to the house.

I can remember that last night I was not the confident child turning the knob and letting myself in. I was the nervous adult, rocking on my feet, waiting for someone to answer that door. “Yes?” She answered when she opened the door. I noticed she was still as beautiful as she ever was with her silk blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

“Hey,” I shuffled my feet like an absolute freak.

“Who are you?” She asked, bluntly. Well, that was the Belinda we all knew and loved. My first ever girlfriend. If you refer to diary one, page one you’ll probably find that all I did was rave on and on about her back then. I looked up. It was then that something flickered in her eyes. “Isaac? Isaac Hanson? Clarke Isaac Hanson? Oh my God. I thought you’d forgotten about your old friend, Bell.”

“Well, not entirely.” I smiled. I tried to flirt, but it didn’t work.

She just stood there, waiting for me to say some more. “Well?” Belinda eventually said.

“Nothing.” I turned and walked down the path and got into my car. You thought that was a completely pointless paragraph? Well, I’m going to hang my head in shame and explain the rest of the story.

I’d never really been to any of the clubs in Tulsa due to the whole underage factor. So, the only one I knew to go to was the one my dad had visited on the occasion. I found myself walking in there. It was a Friday night, the place wasn’t exactly buzzing, but there was enough people to keep the place going for a few more hours.

I went up to the bar and ordered a beer. It was all that I could think of at the time. I just smiled and took it. Actually, maybe I didn’t even smile. I was on the verge of depression. Pfft. Who knows? I’m sure the bar attendant knew I was underage. I could see it in his face. I guess maybe he noticed I was from the band... sometimes that can happen. Just because we’re in the public eye, we can drink and get away with it. It was a custom I’d never really agreed with. Until now, that is.

The rest of the time at the bar was a blur. A complete blur. Each time I went up to the bar my voice got a little deeper. I probably made a fool out of myself and every girl I tried to talk to. It hurts my head just to remember it all now.

“Heeyyy. Me, my name’s Isaaaac,” I remember slurring at a forty year old woman who’d sat next to me to order something from the bar attendant. “Wanna go out sometime?” She just slithered away from me.

Then a woman came up. She must’ve been in her twenties. “Yo.” That was my mature response to her looking at me.

She kind of just rolled her eyes. “So, what’s your name?”

“Clarke, what ‘bout you? Yo?” I was being completely stupid. It’s amazing what alcohol can do to your brain functioning level.

“Sally,” she said. Her eyes fluttered. Then someone came up behind her. Someone, well, huge. About twice the size of me. My eye will start throbbing if I re-inact the whole thing. But, he gave me a huge punch in the right eye. That was only my first blow of the night.

I staggered out of the bar and completely forgot about my car. I just walked down the street shouting things I’m not even going to try and remember.

Then, guess where I found myself? Go on - take a guess. Out the front of Belinda’s house again. “KNOCK KNOCK!” I shouted, a bit too loud through the wooden door.

I saw a shadow through the stained glass coming towards me. She was throwing a robe on. “Ssssh!” She hushed and opened the door. She must’ve known it was me this time, because she was just staring at me expectantly.

“Give me a kiss,” I’d said. “C’mon. Quick.”

“Oh, geez. Isaac, what happened?” Her eyes drifted towards the huge bruise on my face.

“Nothing, Bell. I miss you. Please, kiss me.” I moved in closer to her. She didn’t do anything to stop me though. I wish she had’ve. She just let me move in and plant a kiss right on her lips.

“Isaac, we were eleven.”

Nothing seemed to stop me then. I wish she had’ve just stopped it where I started it, because as it was, it went far too far.

When I woke up, I was in a heap on her couch. I looked down... all that was missing was my shirt... good sign. She was nowhere to be found.

So, what did I do? I didn’t stay there in the safety of her house. I stood and skipped through the house, straight out of the door, still skipping, right down the street and back to the bar. That’s where I ordered another beer and just stared at the coasters for a while.

Oh, God. I still can’t believe how stupid I was last night. Because it was then that Belinda came in looking for me. She, like the previous woman, was wearing a huge man behind her... huge.

“Hey Bell,” I’d said as if nothing had happened.

“Ike, I told you I was going to get a coffee. Where did you go?” She stood, with her hands on her hips.

“Did we sleep together?” Of all stupid things to say, I had to say this one. That was when it happened. The major blow. Bang, bang, bang. The man that was behind her was beating me to an absolute pulp. It hurt to say the words ‘stop’ and ‘no’ because he’d already attacked my mouth. Then the cheek... even my eyebrows. I was bleeding from every direction.

About fifteen minutes later I woke up on the floor. I felt like absolute shit. The hair that was hanging down in my eyes was matted in blood and what I could feel of my nose was a huge, throbbing pole, sticking out the front of my face, being held by my bruised cheeks. Never, ever again.

“What the fuck did you do?” Taylor asked, shaking me. He didn’t care that I hurt. To think of it, neither did I. Keryn was just standing there in total shock.

I don’t know. Never again. Never, ever again will I ever do anything like this again.

I’m sitting here, in my room. It’s 6.30 pm and I’m aching like nothing else. Taylor and Zac have spoken to me, but Keryn won’t take the time of day. I don’t know. I just don’t know why I did it in the first place.

::random trivia:: Remember who Belinda is? Well, had a very small cameo appearance/mention way back in the prologue! Never thought you'd hear from her, did ya? ;o)

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