The first time I ever wanted to keep a diary is when I saw Doogie Howser typing out his thoughts on the computer after every single episode. It amazed me. I think it was because I loved the fact I could analyse each moment or thought in a completely different way. I could put everything down on paper and answer my questions... there would be a basis for what I was rambling on about.

I don’t know why. I just think that I had to write that.

Okay, well, I’m sitting here on my bed. I can’t really grasp the fact that I can call this house my own now. When someone asks me for my address I will feel strange telling them the address of the house that I came over so much when I was a child, but never truly lived here. It’s about ten in the morning and Mr. and Mrs. Hanson have just left. We all helped with the packing and moving stages yesterday and after one more night in the house, they got into the car with Jessica, Avery, Mackenzie and Zoe and drove down the street. I don’t know how the guys were feeling, but I sure had a stingy mist thing happening with my eyes. It was weird. It was like the end of an era. Ike never said anything, neither did Taylor, but they have been very quiet ever since. Zac is sitting down stairs watching a movie, he told me that he couldn’t believe it really happened.

This millenium hype is starting to get to me. It didn’t bother me before, but now, closer to the date, everyone is talking about it. I sat through Oprah and NBC specials last week telling me that I should be collecting canned food and filling the bath with water to make sure I felt in control (yes, that’s what they said). I hope my computer is going to be okay. I think I’ll back some stuff up on disks this afternoon. Ike thinks I’m stupid, but Zac’s on my wave length. I can see us both crowding around our computer on New Years Eve gripping floppy disks.

Okay, I better go and have a shower.

10 Minutes Later...

Okay, so now I am totally rolling my eyes at myself. I can’t believe it. I have just been sitting on my bed staring at this tattered 1999 journal thinking.

If you flick through you’ll realise that I’ve only referred to Taylor about twice since I returned from California. I may as well not procrastinate the inevitable. I don’t know why I feel the need to document my feelings in this diary, but I’ve always felt that need. As you, diary, are an important aspect of my life (when I actually remember to write in you, hehehehe) I think it is only fair that I tell you all about where Taylor and I stand right now.

I’m so glad that Isaac, Zac and Kayla were here to distract me when I first got back from California. Sure, there were numerous conversations between Taylor and I, but not one of us mentioned ‘the relationship’. The only time it ever came close was when we were in the kitchen.

“Ike, where’s the milk?” Taylor, standing in his boxers and nothing much more bellowed from the refrigerator.

I was standing right behind him. “Taylor, look. It’s right in front of you.” Taylor rolled his eyes and retrieved the milk from the shelf.

“I swear, I don’t think I’d survive if you weren’t around,” he stated, playfully.

“Feeling’s mutual. Don’t you think it’s weird that you’re the one that’s always around to keep my feet firmly on the ground?” Taylor pondered for a moment, taking a sip right from the carton. “Here,” I handed him a glass.

“Well,” he put the glass on the counter and continued to drink straight from the carton. “I think you ground yourself eventually. I mean, we’re not around each other all the time. What if you were in Australia now?”

I shuffled uncomfortably and sat down at the kitchen table. “Well, I’m here now, that’s the main thing.”

“I guess...”

The thought lingered on in my head. “Where do you think we would be now if it weren’t for that thing with Margo?”

“I really don’t know. I often think about that.”

“You think about us?”

“How could I not?” Awkward silence.

I think we were feeling signals at that moment. Taylor just walked out of the kitchen and we never really spoke to each other for the rest of the day. That’s how it has been since I got back. It’s not uncomfortable, but we have our times.

What really hurts is that I can’t do the things that we used to do when we were friends. If I needed someone to hug during a movie, I couldn’t. I remember this time last year either one of us would hesistate to get a blanket and crawl under, resting on each other while we stared at the television. But now I felt like my body was tensing up as I sat there and stared at the screen. Once I put my head on Ike’s shoulder. Ike has a comfortable shoulder. But I can’t cuddle up to anyone anymore.

I can remember we could lay in the room I stayed in downstairs and stare at the ceiling. We could stay there for hours and just talk. I’ve never felt that comfortable with anyone in my entire life. I couldn’t even sit around with my girl friends and talk about how hot guy tennis players were. But, with Taylor, I could rave on and on about all of my crushes. And I didn’t even flinch when Taylor told me the only reason he watched Buffy was because of Sarah Michelle Gellar. We were so comfortable together. I can remember one time we went camping and he didn’t care to get changed in front of me in the tent, (yes, I blushed profusely and told him not to do it again... we *were* teenagers at that stage...) that day I realised that he saw me as a sister (well that kind of changed as we aged)... and that felt cool.

I’m not saying that I won’t freak out if Taylor walks in on me when I’m in the shower... he would probably be traumitised for life. But, I’m saying that I don’t even feel comfortable mentioning guys anymore.

Last night it was Tay and my turn to take a walk to the supermarket and get the stuff we had run out of. Sure, we talked, we laughed about how Zac told us to buy all of the bottled water in the shop, just to be safe... “You know, the Y2K thing,” he’d said quickly, walking away. But, as soon as we got into the supermarket I didn’t dare look at any other male and I kept my eyes glued to the supermarket floor so I didn’t see him glancing at any girls. I didn’t flick through the magazines at the check-out and, embarrassed, I didn’t take a stroll down any of the personal looking isles. I am beginning to think I’m crazy! Downright crazy! I mean, if I saw Taylor looking, or at the worst, talking to another girl... what would I do? Would a whole bunch of feelings smack me in the face? Ugh.

So, I guess it’s about time that I should start a paragraph and say something that I’ve been trying to say for the last few pages.

Taylor Hanson is my best friend. He is the man I love. He is my brother. At the moment they are all mixed into one and that is scaring me (especially the brother thing...). At the moment I am trying to focus on my immediate feelings. Do I feel the need to kiss him when I look at him for the first time in the morning? Or can I just say, “Morning Taylor,” and keep on walking? Over a while I think these questions will be answered. I don’t know whether it was wise for me to agree when asked if I was going to move in with the Hanson’s. But, it was something that I wanted to do. All of them are my friends. They are like a second family. All I need to know is how close I am to Taylor. I need to know how he is feeling about me. And, most importantly, I need to know if anything ever happened, would we still be friends? Are we still friends?

Okay. More later.

Questions? Comments? E-mail.
Next Event ->